I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
