Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
