Midget sex pt 2 tonight
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
