yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
