she woke up with a sticky ear
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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