you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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