DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
