meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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