My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
