weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
