I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
