FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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