Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
