I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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