I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
