I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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