Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
