3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
