Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
