I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
