FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
