So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
