cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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