He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
