i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
