I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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