one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
