One girl and one boy is just not enough.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
