I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
