Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
