I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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