I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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