get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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