Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
