fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
