Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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