Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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