so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
