Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She told me I should be a condom model.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize