She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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