i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
