Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
