I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
