does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
