He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
