Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
