i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
