Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
