Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
