there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
