mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
