Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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