WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
