i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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