I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
tell me about the fingering
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