My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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