that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
