: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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