He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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