i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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