I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
